The Haunting

Everyday marks the beginning of our new haunting. From the time that we get off from bed til the time that we get on it again, it's interesting how we always see ourselves flawed and imperfect.

Mirror has always been our partner in crime. We always take a closer look at ourselves. Comparing what we don't have and hoping to have what we lack. We always find ways and routes to the road of ephemeral beauty - from our outta bed dos to our lashes to the lips to the pimple to the pore to the scar to the most uninhibited mole in the most unknown part of us, we notice. Hoping that it's gone and away. We find what we don't have and hate or hope for something that we think would look good on us. We drown ourselves with the "what-ifs" and the "I-wish" statements that draw and elicit personal disliking about one's self.

Comparison is just a contagious disease. It makes you realize what you don't have and not seem to be contented with what has been given to you. It makes you take things for granted. It makes you unappreciate the littlest graces, long and become thirsty of grave things you think important that just aren't.

When was the last time that you appreciated yourself? When was the last time that you embraced and walked tall with that wrinkle around your eye AND NOT think of botox for a second there? When was the last time that you counted your blessings?

When you look into the mirror, you see yourself's reflection. You ask about that pimple you see in between your eyebrows and how badly you want to go to your dermatologist for a facial. Oooh, that can be so soothing. And then you suddenly think of your hair, too. That it's begging you for a new do and hair color. And yeah, that hair spa would do such wonders to your scalp. But before you do that, think of children in the streets that have endured hunger whose last meal was yesterday. Those exact same children who had not taken a bath and who never dared to think of their scalp and skin tones simply because they get preoccupied shutting their eyes so they won't feel the hurt from their stomachs.

Whenever you complain about your job, think of people that badly wanted to be in your position - to earn as much and to do what you do. Those who badly need the work that you do to bring food on the table.

Whenever you long for a shirt or a pair of pants that cost hundreds or thousands of pesos, think of those people who could not even afford to buy one. Those who use cartons or grocery boxes as a "make-do" solution for their mishaps, to cover their slender and frail bodies.
I guess what I am saying is, we must learn to appreciate. Learn to savor every bit of something that is being given to us. Be thankful for the things that are provided and not ask for things that are lacking.

In this day and age when the situation has gotten from bad to worse I couldn't help but wonder, "how does an ounce of gratitude help us through life's inconsistencies? Is it really gratitude or faith that we hold on to?"

FRESH FROM A DAY OFF

A lot had happened the last two days of my absence from work. The first instance was I was sick and the other day was my off. If you ask me, I'd rather spend my off outside the house than being bed-ridden, touching and wiping the sticky fluid off of my nose incessantly just isn't fun at all. That's just gross. That is just so not my turf.

Aside from being sick, there were quite a number of instances that made me euphoric. It is too soon to tell. :) But once everything is final, I will make sure that the whole world would know about it. Only my closest friends know about this yet and I am sure they are so damn giggling right now because not a lot were privileged enough for it. Hihihi.

As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours. It's actually quite true. Elaborating further would make me caught for the things that I should not be divulging early on. I just wish everything would turn out well. I hope. In God's time, I have faith.

STAYING POSITIVE

A day rest from work can do wonders, at least for me anyways. It's not about going out that lightens me up, but the sleep that I get - undisrupted since it's not everyday that I get one. Not thinking about the pressure and the mishaps that I get from stressful calls is something that keeps my mind off of things that constantly bug me from the moment I open my eyes til the time that I close them. How poetic! (and a bit exaggerated! hihi.)

So, whenever I have the time to somehow recharge and get as much sleep as possible, I take advantage. It keeps me positive, and watching movies that I buy in bulk everytime I go to the mall just reinforces that feeling.

You see, I do not go out a lot. I prefer watching movies at home and lying on our comfy couch the entire day til my eyes get weary. And close them. Snore. Wipe my sleep spittle. Wake up in the middle of the day and pee. Then sleep again. Watch movies after. And it's a vicious cycle, what can I say. Nevertheless, a simple life.

I am shallow. I know, I need to get a life. AND I don't want to grow old to be a grumpy grandfather or a loner in some retirement institute (I know it's not gonna happen!Filipino here, HELLO!!!). Somebody who never experienced to exercise and who has lived with the most disgusting body ever recorded in Guiness Book of World Records is definitely not my standard of beauty. I want to be called a hunk sometime in the future. Who doesn't?

(Thinks, aloud)

I have been called so many names already and I managed to live up to them. I have been called gorgeous always. I have been mistaken as a Hollywood celebrity. Some regard me as perfect. Some a model on a pedestal. And those terms are just music to my ears. Who's complaining? I will never get enough of those. You just can't help but appreciate those people that can admire true beauty.

If any of you bump into me in some high class promenade or some elite leisure haven, please, please, please, just be inventive in calling me such names. Being colloquial and Shakespearea-like won't hurt you, you know.

Can somebody think of another word for me? A word that would truly embody me.

ME. Geez, I am patronizing me. Self-preservation. I like it. If that's gonna make me stay positive, it ain't gonna hurt yah, yah know!!!

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Last weekend was the best weekend I have ever had in my lifetime. It was somewhat paradoxical since I have not been into reflections and soul-searching much my entire life. For some weird reason, a friend sent me a message and wanted to meet with me to chitchat. And so we did.

Upon meeting, we had our usual exchanges - the common "how-are-you?", kisses, hugs and the eagerness to see a friend for ages. But not the things that 'friends with benefit' do, hell no!!!But it was nevertheless such a fun moment, like a saint on the verge of his epiphany.

And so, after our darn greetings, we decided to watch a movie - The Banquet starred by Zhang Ziyi. Loved it. Fell in love with it. Don't you just love the martial arts mixed with such ultimate grace? It was so refreshing to see people flying. And fighting. Flying and fighting at the same time. But of course, there's so much more than that. It's such done with great taste. I truly recommend it.

Well. On to my story.

Right after the movie, we decided to satisfy our tongues' urge for the Italian palate. Piadina became our witness for the conversation that became my eye-opener. Like me, She has gone thru a lot of risks. Risks that made her weigh her options and somehow choose the lesser evil. The lesser evil that would be more beneficial in dealing with life.

She mentioned her brother during our conversation over the quattro formagi (spell check, please), a thin-crust pizza made up of four kinds of cheese and carbonara on our table that somehow influenced her in a good way. She has made me realize things that are far more important and sort out my perspectives as well. I think it is my sole responsibility to impart that realization to you guys as these might help you go with the flow of life, and not go against it.

These are just some of the few good things to ponder:

1. Life is not all about career. Career is just a pseudo-goal most of us are preoccupied of. At twenty-something, we go thru the quarterly crisis. We compare ourselves to our peers and contemporaries, especially to those who became successful in their chosen careers, abruptly. You pity yourself for staying stagnant and become envious for people who seemed to be living their dreams.

What you must remember though is that God made plans for us. Plans that do not happen the same day or date your rival at school got his/her glory just as quick as exercising his/her knuckles.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A CAREER IS. We were just laid with the possibilities, just like picking a trinket in that wide-stretched stalls in Divisoria. Options. Meaning ephemeral. Not lasting.

At most times, we get drowned thinking 'what-might-have-beens' or 'what-could-have-beens'. Our shoulda, woulda, couldas. Our aspirations in life. We were placed in awkward situations we never ever thought possible. We encounter people and friends. Colleagues and acquaintances. Friends and foes. All for a reason.

Don't be that person who has a career but never ever got to live a life he wanted. Be that person who lived the life he wanted and eventually got a career in the process. Look within yourself and contemplate. If you don't know the skills that you're good at, stop looking. Begin honing and treasuring each experience you pick up along the way. It's not all about the career, it's the process of getting there that makes the experience worthwhile.


2. Learn to appreciate the littlest things. Cherish each experience. Don't be such a haste.
Remember that an experience, no matter how sweet or bitter is worth every pain and joy. Cherish every heartache. Every smile. Every giggle. Appreciate that you have two legs and ten toes. Appreciate and embrace what makes you YOU. Discover and rediscover. Remember what Friedrich Nietzche (I think it was him, not sure though. :) ) had said, "that doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Life is not always walking on the rainbow. It's not about discovering the pot of gold at the end of it. Sometimes, you have to work double as hard to unearth something to expose its true beauty. Like a heartbreak, it's a given. But still, one chooses to love. It's not anticipating the heartbreak, but picking up the shattered pieces and glueing them all together after. It's not the before. It's the after that's more important.


3. Let go. Letting go of something is somewhat the best exercise to be free. Be free from constrictions. Free yourself from pressure. From emotions that tire you. From thoughts that wear you out.

Letting go of a dream is achieving your dream. Events unravel themselves to your advantage. Leave everything to the Lord and loosen up. I am not saying to slack off and bum around like a sloth. But instead, make short-term goals instead of the long-term ones.

Live life as it unfolds itself. Live life one step at a time. The future is the uncertain. The uncertainty of life is what spices it up. Don't strip yourself from that, you owe yourself at least that.

The sound of the phone ringing, music to my ears.

I have not had much sleep today. When I got home this morning with my Max' one whole chicken to go order, I had my meal "microwaved" just so I can have my breakfast meal the soonest possible time. I work from nine to eight. It's from pm to am. Not the other way around. AND IT'S TIRING. So you can imagine how my life is during the day. And you get my point.

Right after my meal, I washed my face, had my teeth brushed and prepared my bed a.k.a couch in the living room since there is a huge possibility that I won't get up if I sleep in my room, for a well-deserved peace and quiet time after a hard night's work (emphasis on the night word, please). I always leave the TV on and program it to turn off after thirty minutes. It is somewhat my lullaby now lately.

So there I was on the couch, enjoying my serene and tranquil moment when the phone rang that disrupted the only thing that makes me happy these days - sleeping. One ring. Completely ignored it. Second ring. Didn't mind it. And then on the third and the nth ring, I was pretty much all grim and ready to pull the phone cords out of the wall. Thankfully, the caller somewhat felt that it was pointless since nobody was answering. Literal translation, nobody's home!!! That should deliver the message. But no! After some hours, the phone rang again. And this is no joke. I was sleeping. And sleeping = me happy. It's like seeing a dancing banana man mascot to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie song. But no! I got interrupted again. This better be a real call for me and not some silly prank or a nobody dialling the wrong number. Otherwise, I would totally wreck the couch.

Thank God, it was for me. But still I was unhappy. Sleeping = me happy. This disrupted my sleep and since I was up already, might as well answer the damn thing. The call was for me indeed and some freaky man answered the call. He was looking for me. It was me who answered the phone. I confirmed my identity. But still, he was looking for me. Or maybe I just sounded so gorgeous over the phone with my bedroom voice. Still, how much does it take to actually buy a brain in black market these days?

After a few minutes of conversation, the turmoil has subsided. Or so I thought. I then again got a phone call from my sister inviting me to do the grocery with her because she got this eerie feeling that it was my off again. And guess what, not gonna happen. I don't run the company. I work for it.

The next thing I heard was my cellphone alarming. I didn't wake up. Logical reason, not much sleep. I have been bugged so many times the least it could do was shut up and let me be. I was planning to not go to work but due to my golden heart and dedication to my job (loser, I know) I went for work.

Here I am, palpitating and the only thing that keeps me awake is friendster. Getting thru the day with so much caffeine in my system. My heart doing overtime. With eyebags circling my oh-so-perfect black eyes and curly lashes. Good thing I look good today. Better than usual. Perfect like a god. (Giggles)

(Smiles) (And giggles again) ...